Odyssey of a Self-Centred Man

David woke up at eight, the usual time for a Saturday. Sylvia was off on a camping trip with her friends and he was by himself this weekend. He brewed the blend of Kona coffee that he particularly likes and had a leisurely breakfast of French toast with loads of butter and drenched in maple syrup from the trees of a business associate in Rimouski. He read the weekend edition of the National Post and attended to a couple of chores. It was ten, a good time for a long walk in the park before it got hot – the forecast was for a sunny day and a high of 28. He drove to the parking lot after dropping by his bank on the way.

Glenhill is one the largest open spaces in a city in North America. It has an amazing variety of flora and fauna and paths for walking, jogging and cycling with well placed benches with wonderful views of the skyline of the downtown for those in need of rest. In a city of more than a million people one would expect a large number of people enjoying the outdoors on an unusually fine day but there was hardly any one there. It seems that the shopping mall is the place to be in on a beautiful day, just as it is in foul weather. There are always sales one has to take advantage of whether or not he/she needs, or is ever likely to need, the items on offer at 35% less than their inflated price. While ‘saving’ on these things, you might just as well buy some gift for Cousin Millie in Moose Jaw and Uncle Tom in Red Deer, there birthdays are on the horizon. Of course you have to stop by in the food court and grab a hamburger with a mango milkshake. Once in the mall, one might as well check on next season’s fashions which are beginning to arrive in the shops from the fashion houses. It won’t be a bad idea to pick up the special chocolate the spouse loves; it will divert attention from the shopping bags.

In any event, there were only a few individuals in the park. Single walkers or joggers were absorbed in their music on the headphone; some were talking animatedly on the cell and there were also rare examples of young people using both. Most interesting were couples. The sample was too small for a statistical study but it was interesting all the same. Most common were the pairs walking a few steps apart, both on their phones. Not uncommon were the cases of one with the instrument glued to the ear and mouth open and the other walking ahead or behind. The remaining few odd couples were agitatedly arguing on the topics of vital importance to them. It must have been an unusual day; Ravi did not see any couple amicably chatting together.

On his way home, it struck David that the gloomy observations are nothing new to him. On their recent car trip to visit the parents in Winnipeg, he couldn’t think of one pleasant conversation – Sylvia remembered the trip with great pleasure while he only thought of the times when Sylvia had the temper tantrums and he felt like a mosquito watching a slap about to land on him. All he remembered of the long drives were the arguments; about driving too slow, two fast, passing dangerously, being stuck behind a smoking truck, God forbid missing a rest stop or even worse a turn. That is not all. Sylvia is excited about two long cruises they are planning in next six months. David is scared to death. Snappy responses wash over him with little perturbation but how many blow ups will there be, how many times will he be sorry that the handful of Tylenol 3 he took a while ago did not do what he expected them to do, how many times will he wonder how to have the courage of making a decision that will release him, and Sylvia too, from their tense lives together. After thirty three years together it may seem a bit late to change the course drastically. Yet, is it worth ending up in the mad house even if they have an excellent cafeteria there? On a larger scale, why do the spouses carry on relentlessly making each other miserable on every opportunity rather than look for the ways to live a less conflicted life?

When he got home, David had a long cold drink. For lunch he had a bowl of heartwarming mushroom soup prepared by Sylvia especially to his taste and a sandwich made with cream cheese and tomato she had brought from the local produce market. After putting the dishes away he picked up Isolde’s Dream, a collection of stories recommended to him, and made himself comfortable in the hammock under the shade of a maple tree. A sense of guilt now overpowered him - morning’s negative thoughts needed examination. Were the couples as unhappy as they looked or he was projecting his own unhappiness on them? If this is indeed the case what is the source of his unhappiness?

David fell asleep with the question buzzing in his head and the book protecting his face from mosquito bites. When a magpie woke him up he realized that his subconscious had worked out the answer. Sylvia is an extrovert with a large social circle, her friends love her and want to be with her. He is just the opposite, an introverted, solitary person, buried in his books and the music. Whatever social life he has is determined by Sylvia, he has none of his own. Whether the introversion is due to a mild depression or it is due to the lack of Dopamine in his brain is really not the issue. What matters is that the misery on this particular morning was prompted by his inexplicable wish for company on the walk, not to share any news or discuss any particular idea but merely not to be alone. This was one of those few times when an introvert wants to reach out, or wants someone to reach out to him/her and if there is no one there it sinks the spirit. It had dawned on him over breakfast that there was no one he knows well enough to ask to join him for the walk. This would rarely be an issue because Sylvia is usually available. But this morning it became one and created the unhappiness, even sparked the envy towards the wife who has always been kind to him.

Only solution, David said to himself, is to reach out and create a circle of friends. However, friendship means he being available to them, not only they being available to him. Here is the rub. He is getting on in life, there are not many good years left and there are a great many things he wishes to accomplish. Yet, he must make room for friends in whatever time is left to him after attending to family. He must strike a balance in his life between work and social commitments if he wants to keep his sanity. Not much different than the problem of his youth. More things change -------