Wisdom Implant
It took hundreds of scientists and technicians from various fields of endeavour a long time and a lot of hard work and a large fortune of one of the richest persons in the world. But at last it was ready. It was tested with great success on rats, monkeys and gorillas in that order. Now it was the turn of guinea pigs, human volunteers chosen carefully by a committee. Coded chips barely visible to the naked eye were implanted in their wisdom teeth by the most prominent dentist in the country. Media from all over the world jostled each other in the auditorium for the best shot and close ups of the brave souls in the glare of studio lights lying on a dentist’s chair with their mouths wide open and a tong hovering over the lower lip were on every screen in the world.

In addition to revolutionising the communication and human relations, this marvelous invention is expected to be the answer to every economist’s prayer. The weddings have again become fashionable and the current fashion is for broad thick bands which were worn on the wrist, not the finger as had been done for centuries. Due to the strong demand for such bands, not only among the newly weds but also in long married couples, the price of gold has skyrocketed and this is distorting the economy of every country, whether developed or developing. It is now hoped that a refined and carefully processed grain of beach sand skillfully implanted in the wisdom tooth will replace several ounces of gold. The precious metal will again become available for more important uses at a reasonable price and the treasury officials all over the world would breathe normally.

Did I hear you say - stop blabbering and tell us what does this miracle chip do. Well, I was waiting for someone to ask. This is the first major advance in the field of engineering since the miraculous cell phone. In some ways it is an extension of cell phone. One might even think of it as a miniature cell phone. What the chip does is so simple; you would wonder why no one did it before. Well; the technology has its own way of developing and miracles happen when all the stars in the form of scientific theories and technical products line up. Thanks to the foresight of a great tycoon, who actually made his fortune in the mundane world of finance, stars were brought together in one lab and lo and behold, a decade of research and billions of dollars later, we have the means to supply wisdom to wisdom tooth. At last we know why our ancestors called it the wisdom tooth. They foresaw the day when this tooth located way back in the mouth will have the ability to communicate the way wise ancestors did through the ages; without saying a word, without wasting paper and ink, by direct communication from head to head. It was called spiritual communion in the days of yore. Then, with the spread of atheism among intelligentsia, the old art almost died. Now the door has been opened for its revival – thanks to these brilliant people working under the umbrella provided by a truly visionary man.

Well, what the chip does is nothing new. It is merely a refinement of the invention of Alexander Graham Bell a hundred and fifty years ago. Only instead of words, it converts brain waves into electric waves and transmits them to the chip the thought behind the brain waves was intended for. That chip, and that one alone, picks up the waves, converts them back into brain waves and transmits them to the right part of the brain. Before a second has elapsed, the thought in one brain in one part of the world is transmitted to another brain in another part of the world – with no wires, no gadgets, no ringing noise, no words. However, for legal reasons that the lawyers among you will appreciate, the chips tuned to communicate with each other will only be implanted in the married couples. The economists believe that the couples who have chip implants won’t feel the need to display their wedded bliss, therefore they won’t need the clumsy heavy bands and thus leave the gold to be used for what our creator intended it for.

Once these brave volunteers have been tested and the authorities have authorized the sale to public, the chip will be made available to all qualified dentists for a modest but respectable fee. We anticipate a huge demand far exceeding any gizmo ever invented. To save disappointment it would be wise to book an appointment with your dentist at the same time as you are making other wedding arrangements.



More stray thoughts

The poor response to flood relief funds for Pakistan has nothing to do with Islam, the history or the geography. People are reluctant to donate for two reasons: the region where floods first hit has been one of the bases of Taliban and the general perception that the government of Pakistan has played a duplicitous role in Afghan war. It is hard to empty the wallet for people who help your enemies.

The vituperative coverage of CTV’s rival CBC in the Globe during the past week may be a good business practice by the owner CTV globemedia, respectable behavior by a self-proclaimed national newspaper it is not.

While it is gratifying to see so many people risking their lives to live in Canada, we should note that these were not desperate people. The real refugees escape to India a few hours away on a rowing boat and merge with the fellow Tamils there. The shipload consists mostly of lower middle class farmers and tradesmen who were persuaded by crafty smugglers to part with all they had in exchange for a promise of life in the land of colour TV, free education for the kids, free medical care and hefty welfare cheques. While severe penalties for smugglers might help, what we need is to change the perception of the easy life once they get here and I am afraid not much is being suggested in that direction.

Privacy act, along with Bill of Rights, provides criminals strong shield while leaving honest law-abiding citizens unprotected. One does not have to be a loony on the fringes of right wing to demand that changes be made in these laws to make them more balanced.
After all is said and done, laws are intended to protect all citizens, not just those who victimise innocent and helpless citizens.

With due respect to the magazine’s editors, the summer vacation is for the teachers, not students. It is the teachers who need a long break from the arduous routine and the problems associated with kids who only go to school because they have to. Please leave kids out of it. They are not a factor in summer vacation issue.