A Sad Face
Over the years I have reported on hundreds, nay thousands, of court cases ranging from petty theft by a millionaire politician to cruel senseless murder of the spouse by a deranged man. But none haunts me like the first case I covered so many years ago. The face of the middle aged man I saw that day still reappears before my eyes when I feel a sense of sorrow and all self pity for my own misfortunes takes flight.
I was just out of college with a freshly minted degree in journalism. I was the lucky one in my class, landing the job of a reporter with the leading daily in this metropolitan town. I was assigned to the local court house with the responsibility of filling one column every weekday. This was another piece of good fortune because the courthouse was walking distance from my apartment and I did not have a car. With a cup of black Mocha from Fresh Mug outlet, reporter’s notepad and a pen I entered the courthouse. Even this novice reporter knew after only a cursory examination of the courthouse calendar that the story in Tuesday’s paper will come for court of Mr. Justice Hunding in room 403 at 10:00 AM. It was not difficult to kill an hour in a busy place like courthouse. A journalist, more so a fresh one just out of college, has an eye open and an ear out for a story and who knows what conversation one overhears ends up as a masterpiece of journalism.
I got another coffee, Kenyan this time, from Moonbeam Café in the basement of the building and walked up four flights of stairs. A friendly nod to the security guard and flash of the journalist pass gave me entry to the ‘press box’ - a wooden bench next to the witness stand. There were no more than fifteen other persons scattered in twos and threes in the room which could seat about two hundred. I did notice one shabbily dressed man sitting in the far back corner of the room a good distance from any one else. He must have been about fifty, his head full of graying uncombed hair, his face unshaven for a couple of days, He was buried in his thoughts and for all practical purposes may have been in another world far far away. The prosecutor and the defence lawyer were standing near the main entrance conversing almost inaudibly with each other. Thanks to the inquisitiveness of my profession I could not help but listen in to their conversation. The accused had attacked his father with a chain saw, fortunately no serious injuries resulted. This was not included in the charges though, because the father did not want it. The prosecutor, whose face turned towards the back corner whenever he mentioned the father, assured his adversary that the incident would not be mentioned to the judge. Their conversation and the mutterings in the room came to a sudden stop when the court clerk entered through a back door and called for order before taking his seat behind a table. Mr. Justice Hunding, wearing long black robe, entered from the same door and took his seat behind a square table. A policeman and the accused entered from the main entrance and the accused, holding a plastic cup in his right hand, stood facing the judge.
The prosecutor walked over to the judge’s desk and read the indictment. The accused had punched his doctor, a short frail woman in her sixties when she refused to prescribe him the drug he requested for his pain. The doctor came and testified that this was indeed the case. The doctor added, “My patient needs care for his mental illness. Unfortunately for him and the general public the medical profession is helpless without his agreement to be treated.” The defence lawyer now asked his client to state his side of the story. “Sir, I did not touch her, I went like this,” the accused said showing how he threw the punch, “but I held back just before it landed. And sir, she has been giving me poison which has been dissolving my intestines that come up in my saliva. I have it in this cup as proof, sir.” He tried to pass the cup to the judge but his lawyer grabbed it.
The judge asked the accused, “Do you agree to a month’s detention for the examination of your mental status and also agree to accept any treatment that is prescribed?”
“There is nothing wrong with me sir. It is the doctor who has something against me sir. It is her who should be standing in my place, sir.” The accused shot back.
“Look, the doctor is doing what she can for you. And I too want to help you if you will let me. Now let me remind you, it is you who is being tried, not the doctor. What do you have to say about yourself?” The judge asked him again.
“Sir, I have no problem that I know of. It is the doctors who are trying to kill me. They don’t like me for some reason sir. The proof is in that cup sir, only if you will care to look at it, sir.”
“Enough of the cup. Nine months.” The judge wrapped up the proceedings.
I don’t know why but my eyes wandered to the far corner. There the lone man had stood up and was looking at his only son, perhaps his only kin on this planet, being led away by the policeman in handcuffs. The image of grief frozen in that face has lived with me ever since and will be with me till I meet my God.
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Sunday, January 25, 2009
Sunday, January 18, 2009
The Essence of a Durable Relationship
It was a beautiful afternoon on August 14, 1965 when Evelyn and I exchanged our vows in a church in Selhurst, a suburb of London, England. After moving internationally three times, drastic career changes, three children, several near fatal experiences in the family any one of which would have destroyed many relationships, we are still together in our sunset years.
Our marriage solemnised in presence of immediate family of Evelyn and some close friends was not generally expected to last. Her parents thought Evelyn was too young at 21 and our six year age difference was too much. Her friends expected her to give up on a dictatorial Indian husband sooner or later. My friends thought I will find the family a hindrance in the achievement of my career ambitions. They were right with their basic data but wrong in the conclusion.
I am not gloating that we proved them wrong, just thankful that, in spite of their fears, we received from them full support when we needed it. 43 years is a long time to go through without trials and tribulations. We certainly had our share of these. Several events that appeared catastrophic then, look laughable in the hindsight now. Irritations of life in the Third World like receiving notice to evacuate the villa after the overthrow of the king in Libya, anxiety about work visas when preparing to move to the U.S. and Canada, coping with our first sand storm in Tripoli or the first snow storm in Calgary and many other such occurrences caused stresses at the time but nothing compared to major events: birth of our oldest daughter in England when Evelyn felt desperately lonely and physically and emotionally exhausted having been evacuated from Libya with expatriate wives and children during the six-day war in June 1967; the decision to leave Philadelphia soon after we had finished renovation of our new home; the period of Evelyn’s excruciating migraines which lasted several years, her decision to go to medical school soon after our third daughter was born, discovering that two of our daughters were gay, extreme premature birth of our second granddaughter, serious illness of our daughter and Evelyn immediately following one another, developmental and behavioral problems of our older granddaughter and lately drastic reduction in our retirement funds by stock market meltdown were each major stress points. Just the survival of the relationship through them all is a testament to its inherent strength.
Evelyn and I share some characteristics which are crucial to a stable relationship. We believe firmly in the sanctity of marriage and family is the most important element in our lives. We are glad to do what we can for each other or any of the progeny. Thus, when our granddaughter was born premature, or our daughter had a serious illness, or our daughter-in-law needed to stay with us for an extended period, we both welcomed them with open arms. When I was lost in the forest, Evelyn and the three daughters left whatever they were doing and rushed thousands of kilometers to help with the search. When Evelyn was ill, I did all I could to help her recover. In good times, Evelyn helped me integrate in the Western societies in England, United States and Canada and helped me in my business; I helped her in preparation for med school and in management of her practice and we helped our girls earn seven university degrees between them without significant student loans. We have taken pride in achievements of the other as if they were our own and have rejoiced in those of our children.
Needless to say there were times of serious strain in the relationship some of which I have mentioned already. We handle our stresses differently. Evelyn expresses her feelings strongly and I am left in no doubt as to the level of her stress. For a long time I fruitlessly suggested corrective measures for her problem and learnt only recently that what she needed was an expression of empathy; the solution could come later. On the other hand, I bear my stress silently and work my way out of the wood on my own. It works for us because we make allowances for our differences. Important point is to understand the source of stress and help the partner handle it. We learnt early that taking other’s problem lightly can have serious long term consequences.
Although we have very different professions there is a unity of purpose to our lives provided by our concern for other’s well-being and family’s general welfare coupled with shared interests in classical music, opera and literature. We belong to different faiths but are guided by essentially similar principles in our daily actions. Therefore, our major conflicts are resolved without serious emotional injury. We have not built a large catalogue of past hurts and, even though the slate is not as clean as one would wish, it has plenty of space for fresh designs in our sunset years.
If there is a lesson to be derived from our relationship it could be expressed in one word: Consideration. What partner feels, thinks, says and does is at least as important as what you feel, think, say and do and deserves equal consideration on your part. It does not matter what others think, or how it is rewarded. What matters is that someone more important to you than any one else in the world will not be happy if his/her emotions, ideas, words or actions are not valued by someone who is more important to him/her than any one else in the world. If one partner is not happy, the other can not be happy. This is the essence of a good and durable relationship.
If you enjoyed the post, please introduce it to your friends.
It was a beautiful afternoon on August 14, 1965 when Evelyn and I exchanged our vows in a church in Selhurst, a suburb of London, England. After moving internationally three times, drastic career changes, three children, several near fatal experiences in the family any one of which would have destroyed many relationships, we are still together in our sunset years.
Our marriage solemnised in presence of immediate family of Evelyn and some close friends was not generally expected to last. Her parents thought Evelyn was too young at 21 and our six year age difference was too much. Her friends expected her to give up on a dictatorial Indian husband sooner or later. My friends thought I will find the family a hindrance in the achievement of my career ambitions. They were right with their basic data but wrong in the conclusion.
I am not gloating that we proved them wrong, just thankful that, in spite of their fears, we received from them full support when we needed it. 43 years is a long time to go through without trials and tribulations. We certainly had our share of these. Several events that appeared catastrophic then, look laughable in the hindsight now. Irritations of life in the Third World like receiving notice to evacuate the villa after the overthrow of the king in Libya, anxiety about work visas when preparing to move to the U.S. and Canada, coping with our first sand storm in Tripoli or the first snow storm in Calgary and many other such occurrences caused stresses at the time but nothing compared to major events: birth of our oldest daughter in England when Evelyn felt desperately lonely and physically and emotionally exhausted having been evacuated from Libya with expatriate wives and children during the six-day war in June 1967; the decision to leave Philadelphia soon after we had finished renovation of our new home; the period of Evelyn’s excruciating migraines which lasted several years, her decision to go to medical school soon after our third daughter was born, discovering that two of our daughters were gay, extreme premature birth of our second granddaughter, serious illness of our daughter and Evelyn immediately following one another, developmental and behavioral problems of our older granddaughter and lately drastic reduction in our retirement funds by stock market meltdown were each major stress points. Just the survival of the relationship through them all is a testament to its inherent strength.
Evelyn and I share some characteristics which are crucial to a stable relationship. We believe firmly in the sanctity of marriage and family is the most important element in our lives. We are glad to do what we can for each other or any of the progeny. Thus, when our granddaughter was born premature, or our daughter had a serious illness, or our daughter-in-law needed to stay with us for an extended period, we both welcomed them with open arms. When I was lost in the forest, Evelyn and the three daughters left whatever they were doing and rushed thousands of kilometers to help with the search. When Evelyn was ill, I did all I could to help her recover. In good times, Evelyn helped me integrate in the Western societies in England, United States and Canada and helped me in my business; I helped her in preparation for med school and in management of her practice and we helped our girls earn seven university degrees between them without significant student loans. We have taken pride in achievements of the other as if they were our own and have rejoiced in those of our children.
Needless to say there were times of serious strain in the relationship some of which I have mentioned already. We handle our stresses differently. Evelyn expresses her feelings strongly and I am left in no doubt as to the level of her stress. For a long time I fruitlessly suggested corrective measures for her problem and learnt only recently that what she needed was an expression of empathy; the solution could come later. On the other hand, I bear my stress silently and work my way out of the wood on my own. It works for us because we make allowances for our differences. Important point is to understand the source of stress and help the partner handle it. We learnt early that taking other’s problem lightly can have serious long term consequences.
Although we have very different professions there is a unity of purpose to our lives provided by our concern for other’s well-being and family’s general welfare coupled with shared interests in classical music, opera and literature. We belong to different faiths but are guided by essentially similar principles in our daily actions. Therefore, our major conflicts are resolved without serious emotional injury. We have not built a large catalogue of past hurts and, even though the slate is not as clean as one would wish, it has plenty of space for fresh designs in our sunset years.
If there is a lesson to be derived from our relationship it could be expressed in one word: Consideration. What partner feels, thinks, says and does is at least as important as what you feel, think, say and do and deserves equal consideration on your part. It does not matter what others think, or how it is rewarded. What matters is that someone more important to you than any one else in the world will not be happy if his/her emotions, ideas, words or actions are not valued by someone who is more important to him/her than any one else in the world. If one partner is not happy, the other can not be happy. This is the essence of a good and durable relationship.
If you enjoyed the post, please introduce it to your friends.
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