The Essence of a Durable Relationship

It was a beautiful afternoon on August 14, 1965 when Evelyn and I exchanged our vows in a church in Selhurst, a suburb of London, England. After moving internationally three times, drastic career changes, three children, several near fatal experiences in the family any one of which would have destroyed many relationships, we are still together in our sunset years.

Our marriage solemnised in presence of immediate family of Evelyn and some close friends was not generally expected to last. Her parents thought Evelyn was too young at 21 and our six year age difference was too much. Her friends expected her to give up on a dictatorial Indian husband sooner or later. My friends thought I will find the family a hindrance in the achievement of my career ambitions. They were right with their basic data but wrong in the conclusion.

I am not gloating that we proved them wrong, just thankful that, in spite of their fears, we received from them full support when we needed it. 43 years is a long time to go through without trials and tribulations. We certainly had our share of these. Several events that appeared catastrophic then, look laughable in the hindsight now. Irritations of life in the Third World like receiving notice to evacuate the villa after the overthrow of the king in Libya, anxiety about work visas when preparing to move to the U.S. and Canada, coping with our first sand storm in Tripoli or the first snow storm in Calgary and many other such occurrences caused stresses at the time but nothing compared to major events: birth of our oldest daughter in England when Evelyn felt desperately lonely and physically and emotionally exhausted having been evacuated from Libya with expatriate wives and children during the six-day war in June 1967; the decision to leave Philadelphia soon after we had finished renovation of our new home; the period of Evelyn’s excruciating migraines which lasted several years, her decision to go to medical school soon after our third daughter was born, discovering that two of our daughters were gay, extreme premature birth of our second granddaughter, serious illness of our daughter and Evelyn immediately following one another, developmental and behavioral problems of our older granddaughter and lately drastic reduction in our retirement funds by stock market meltdown were each major stress points. Just the survival of the relationship through them all is a testament to its inherent strength.

Evelyn and I share some characteristics which are crucial to a stable relationship. We believe firmly in the sanctity of marriage and family is the most important element in our lives. We are glad to do what we can for each other or any of the progeny. Thus, when our granddaughter was born premature, or our daughter had a serious illness, or our daughter-in-law needed to stay with us for an extended period, we both welcomed them with open arms. When I was lost in the forest, Evelyn and the three daughters left whatever they were doing and rushed thousands of kilometers to help with the search. When Evelyn was ill, I did all I could to help her recover. In good times, Evelyn helped me integrate in the Western societies in England, United States and Canada and helped me in my business; I helped her in preparation for med school and in management of her practice and we helped our girls earn seven university degrees between them without significant student loans. We have taken pride in achievements of the other as if they were our own and have rejoiced in those of our children.

Needless to say there were times of serious strain in the relationship some of which I have mentioned already. We handle our stresses differently. Evelyn expresses her feelings strongly and I am left in no doubt as to the level of her stress. For a long time I fruitlessly suggested corrective measures for her problem and learnt only recently that what she needed was an expression of empathy; the solution could come later. On the other hand, I bear my stress silently and work my way out of the wood on my own. It works for us because we make allowances for our differences. Important point is to understand the source of stress and help the partner handle it. We learnt early that taking other’s problem lightly can have serious long term consequences.

Although we have very different professions there is a unity of purpose to our lives provided by our concern for other’s well-being and family’s general welfare coupled with shared interests in classical music, opera and literature. We belong to different faiths but are guided by essentially similar principles in our daily actions. Therefore, our major conflicts are resolved without serious emotional injury. We have not built a large catalogue of past hurts and, even though the slate is not as clean as one would wish, it has plenty of space for fresh designs in our sunset years.

If there is a lesson to be derived from our relationship it could be expressed in one word: Consideration. What partner feels, thinks, says and does is at least as important as what you feel, think, say and do and deserves equal consideration on your part. It does not matter what others think, or how it is rewarded. What matters is that someone more important to you than any one else in the world will not be happy if his/her emotions, ideas, words or actions are not valued by someone who is more important to him/her than any one else in the world. If one partner is not happy, the other can not be happy. This is the essence of a good and durable relationship.

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